Friday, June 14, 2013

Sigh... Father's Day, another holiday.. More grief..

With Father's Day this weekend, comes a ton of emotions for me. While I love my father with all my heart, I feel I can't have a relationship with him because of my mother. It seems the jealousy she emits from seeing the bond my dad and I have has ruined my relationship with him. Growing up I always looked at my dad as a saving grace, a calm, organized person and, of course, my safe place. I used to dream about my parents splitting up so that I could live with my dad, but alas, it never happened. You see, my dad has a strong commitment to my mother, he obviously chose her & is determined to do the best he feels he can with his choice. I can admire that, somewhat... He always said "I would like to believe that everyone is doing the best that they can, with what they have" he truly thinks he is doing the best he can, however, I see the enabling he does for her & sometimes wish he could do more to stop.
When I was a small child, I would greet my dad at the door when he came home from work, because he made me feel safe, I was always extremely excited when he came home and of course, it was always "daddy!!!" With a great big hug for him. One particular day, my mother was frustrated for one reason or another & was in one of her moods, which, of course, made me even more excited for my father to come home from work. As I ran to the door to greet him with a hug, I was grabbed from behind & pulled away from him, while being told that "this is my husband & I greet him at the door first, not you!" Oh my! The shock! The pain! The fear! And then the sadness... That's when I realized there was no saving grace, there was no safe place, I had to create my own safety. My dad tried to explain to her that I wasn't trying to take any attention away from her, and that I was just a little kid loving her father, but, the message never got understood & the jealousy has continued through the years with comments about my fathers & my interactions that had strong jealous undertones to them and sometimes jealous fits of rage when I had long conversations with him and not with her.(because he listened to me & understood) 
My father & I have always shared a love of football, so as I got older I invited him to watch Sunday games with my husband and I at my house. This, of course, caused so much backlash from my mother, because she wasn't invited. I didn't see the point in inviting her because she doesn't enjoy watching the games & ends up talking all the way through it &  causing distractions from the enjoyment of our football watching. Well, that caused a huge ruckus & she made life for my dad miserable when ever he came over to watch the games. She was & probably still is verbally bashing him. She would call me to complain about him or tell me what a shitty man he is because he doesn't always cater to her every whim or the most common complaint was that he should know what she wants without her having to tell him and he should just do it. She was constantly calling him also, during that time, or throwing temper tantrums about something. I think she was doing anything to make him miserable or guilty for spending time with me. We have tried to explain to her that there are certain things you do with certain people because that's an interest you have in common with them & that if she isn't interested in football, then why would she come with to spoil our common interest with her constant jabbering and complaining?  And again, she couldn't understand it. It seems her only true interest was shopping, finding deals. I have no interest in shopping, as a matter of fact, I hate shopping! The few times I tried to tag along on one of her shopping trips have made me completely miserable. Her obsession with "finding deals" was overwhelming & ultimately made me very sad. While I understand that's what she enjoys doing, she just can't understand that I don't enjoy it. And once again, it comes back to her pushing what she wants on me. 
I had limited my contact with both parents to a short visit on holidays or special occasions and our relationships seemed to be going fine, just catching up on what was going on in our lives. I thought maybe if I keep our contact limited like that we can all get along... Until the day she blew up on me & called 911 because she didn't want to hear that I was upset because she refused to take my daughters senior portrait. That was an eye opener & the last straw. Unfortunately, I feel I cannot contact my father and wish him a happy Father's Day, simply because I know that if she found out that I talked to him, she would make it more miserable for him with her fits of jealousy. I certainly don't want to make my fathers life harder than it already is. I know that he knows that I love and appreciate him & that's what I will live with for now.. 

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